Catching Up

It was a long and hard summer.  I am still at a loss for words and I'm trying to digest all that has taken place.  I left off at week 2 of camp so I will pick up from there.  He finished camp with a bang!  It was wonderful to go spend the afternoon with all these beautiful children who are mentally challenged in one way or another.  Joseph did not even notice everyone's issues.  He won an MVP award for his love of baseball and in playing all sports that the camp offered. 

Receiving his MVP award!

After camp things went down quickly.  I tried to keep him busy and to not think about school.  I wanted him to enjoy his summer and just play....just be happy.  However, there were days of serious depression.  There were horrible meltdowns that got more and more violent.  There were new behaviors, some of them very disturbing.  He started turning more of the violence toward me and it was also getting worse toward his siblings.  Why????? 

Joseph at the Omaha Zoo

One day he had a horrible meltdown.  He attacked a sibling and when I came inside to care for the hurt one Joseph ran down the road.  We live on a hilly gravel road.  The thought of a vehicle coming over the hill and hitting him was in my mind as I tried frantically to take care of the other child.  One of the older children ran after him and caught up with him almost 1/2 mile down the road.  When he saw them he ran off into the woods so the teenage sibling came home distraught.  Joseph returned as quickly as he left and "hid" behind a tree.  Then it was all over.  But I am looking at the damage....the emotionally hurt child, the physically hurt child, the broken toy, the tears, the chaos....and I realize that nothing.....NOTHING has changed in the past year of therapy and treatments.

Passing the summer days in the family pool

Another day the meltdown lasted nearly all day or you could say he had back to back tantrums with 30 minute breaks.  At one point I was trying to do the bear hug from the back just to settle him down and he started biting me....a new behavior.  I actually put him in the car that day to bring him to the hospital.  I can not count the holes in the wall just from the summer months.  One is basically so huge you can stick a whole child into it.  He has broken down 2 doors to the point where the door jams are destroyed.  He has destroyed clothes because he rips them off when he is having a meltdown. 

First Day of School 8/17

He has also gotten very verbal.  He calls me and everyone that angers him an "idiot" or "from hell".  He says he wishes we were dead or that he will kill us.  He told me one day that he will not cry if I die but instead he will laugh and be happy.  Another day he said he was glad I was old and could not do gymnastics anymore.  :-)  These things really make me laugh but at the same time he says really mean and hateful things too.

Long story short, we have started the journey to put him in residential care.  It totally breaks my heart.  He is MY child!!!!  I love him with all my heart and I can not fix him!  I am more tormented by this than by anything.  I am removing him from our family life.  I am cutting him off from his support.  This is how I feel but I know this is not reality.  Reality is that I have other children to consider.  I think that Joseph will thrive in a highly structured environment that I can not give him.

A nice moment with the four youngest together

He has been talking all summer about the day he will get to go to St. Gregory's.  This is the boarding school his older brother attends.  I have not had the heart to say that he will never go there.  Now, I am telling him he will go a school like that but it's even better because he will be closer to us.  He is excited.  He asks everyday now if we are still looking for him "a St. Greg school"....to which I reply "yes" and he jumps up and down. 

I saw a quote recently that brought me much comfort.  "One cannot desire freedom from the Cross when one is especially chosen for the Cross." ~Saint Teresa Benedicta of the Cross.  I do not ask God to free me from this cross.  He chose me to carry this and I would suffer anything on earth for the love of God and for my children.  He is asking a lot of me....to give up my son.  But did He not ask The Blessed Mother to do the same?  Has He not asked this and more of so many mothers?  Joseph is my angel and I can't wait for the day to see him in heaven with a perfect mind.  He will not be in camo anymore!

Please pray for our family.  We are all hurting and suffering so much.  We love our Little Joe so much!!!!!

Today after testing, 8/19/2010